02:57am

went to A.L Lim for checkup today.. ask him clearly what is epidural all about.. den he tell me he will pull out e epi when time's up.. so that i can feel the contraction and push the baby out.. so it means, i will definitely feel the pain.. i cried almost immediately.. den all da way back hm, i cried a few more times.. im so so scared.. was really bad mood for e day.. daddy tried to cheer mi up by making funny faces.. but it doesnt helps although i was smiling..=( he knows.. so he ask wad i wanna eat.. hahas.. he say anything also can..=x cos he thought food can make mi feel happier!! =x silly him! =( some evil thoughts came into my mind.. i had thoughts abt losing u.. i was secretly hoping that i would encounter a miscarriage.. i was secretly hoping that i could turn back time.. and don't want u.. i dun wan to think in this way de.. but i really very scared.. i know i very selfish.. but im juz scared.. bcos since young, ive nv wanted to give birth.. bcos im scared of e pain.. i dunno how to describe e kinda feeling tat i haf.. its not juz normal fear.. hais.. i could only pray.. pray hard that i will haf a smooth delivery.. i will ask for ur already passed away de grandpa.. to bless me.. i always ask for his help when i need something.. hahas.. i always feel tat ur grandpa is beside me.. looking after me..=) i hope when the day comes.. everything would be easy.. i realise.. life has been very very easy on me.. tat's y now im scared..=( im useless.. a very very useless mum u've got.. im so so sorry.. i let u down..

Jacqueline blogged at 12:02 PM

11:29am

baby,

mummy's feeling guilty because im thinking this way..

i don't wanna give birth to you..

because i terribly scared of the pain.. im so so scared of the engorgement.. im so so afraid tat i couldnt take the pain.. the soreness of breast if i breastfeed u.. e pain of my *ahem*.. and i couldnt wash my hair for e whole month.. and alot alot of pain.. im so so scared..=( but.. when i saw uncle william's newborn daughter, ruiqi, i feel like giving birth to u straightaway!! hehes.. it would be sucha joy on e day u were born.. but den again.. e pain is haunting mi..=( i hear too many scary stories already lar.. hais.. u r coming on aug! so so soon!! hehes.. i know u'll be a good boi.. cos today.. in e wee morning.. i could not get to slp.. u was kicking mi.. den i tell u, "jabez, don't kick mummy orites? we shall slp together ok? mummy cldnt slp.. but i haf to try to slp oh.. so u muz be gd boi and stop kicking den we try to slp together ok?" and den.. u really stop kicking! =) this is the 2nd time tat happen already! hehes.. but den again.. ur kicking sometimes startled mi! hahas.. tummy getting bigger and bigger which makes my backaches even worst.. had a terrible time to slp at nite..=( but its ok.. it will be over in a few weeks time! hehes.. i wonder.. how can i cope? i dun even dare to hold ruiqi!! LOL!! cos she's so soft.. so fragile.. i dare not.. but ur daddy says.. dun worry lar.. when time comes, we will manage it eventually.. its called maternal instinct! =)

Jacqueline blogged at 8:32 PM

12:23pm

mummy's doing all these for u.. im being forced to do something which i will nv imagine myself will do it.. this is the FIRST time im being let down lidat.. this is the FIRST time i swallow my pride lidat.. i dunno why i will do that.. maybe bcos its you bahs..=(

Jacqueline blogged at 9:27 PM

3:34am

im having mixed emotions now..

im scared..

scared that after giving birth to you, e relationship between me and daddy will not be as good anymore

scared that i will quarrel with him more

scared that he will leave me bcos i love u more and he's jealous of it

scared that i don't know how to take care of you

scared that you will not dote on me and daddy

scared that you will not be filial

scared that i could not discipline you

scared that you are a useless man when you grow up

scared that you cannot contribute to the society

scared that you become a hooligan

scared that you have a bad temper like me

scared that you don't know how to "zuo ren"

scared that you break my heart

im so so scared of so so many things.. that it makes me so so scared of giving birth to you.. but at the same time..

im happy..

because you are our "ai de jie jing".. we know that you are the one

that makes our life going on..

that makes our life meaningful..

that makes us know who we lived for..

that makes us a better person..

we know that nothing matters more than your hug and kisses before we went to work everyday.. with you around, nothing can bring us down.. all because of you..

mummy and daddy loves u! =)

*i think im feeling scared because.. i really love jabez too much.. im so scared of not providing him the best.. i realise i have low self-esteem.. because im a lousy person myself.. i dunno how i can make him not a lousy person like me..=(

Jacqueline blogged at 12:33 PM

5:12am

few days ago.. i was so tired cos i whole nite nv slp.. and u kick mi sOoo hard and sOo many times that i couldnt slp! so i rub my stomach.. and tell u this..

"jabez, be good boi.. mummy bery tired wanna slp.. let mummy slp ok? dun kick mi liaos ok?"

and u really stop kicking! =) thanks.. my dear boi! hehes.. mummy's nw nt afraid to give birth liaos.. rather, im really excited for ur arrival! i heard frm frens like nicole and krissy tat giving birth is not that pain at all! IF i take epidural! kekes.. so ya, im gonna take epidural.. im still kinda scare of e engourgement.. but tink e engourgement will not be THAT bad as well.. (i hope!) dun worry, mummy can go thru all these de! if sOoo many women can take it, why cant i rite? =)

mum and dad love u tons! =)

Jacqueline blogged at 2:12 PM

1:17pm

mummy felt like a much better person these few days.. i cared abt the feelings of ppl ard me.. which is sOo unlike mi.. i dunno issit becos i have u and thus ive grown.. ur daddy too.. he has become much more responsible.. no longer the old sam tat ive known.. he used to be so dependant on ur ahma.. but now.. nt anymore.. im glad.. really glad tat bcos of u.. we both haf grown up.. nt tat we are MATURE already or wad.. but we really "zhang jing" alot..=) my temper has grown ALOT better too.. hehes.. but mummy still cant help but thinks alot.. even hilary (travis's wife aka daddy's colleague's wife) said tat i think too much.. i juz cldnt help but think alot.. n e more i think, e more scary i felt.. e more scary i felt, e more im scared to give birth to u.. yes, im really a coward.. i really very scared of pain.. i really shudders at the thought of it..=( but always, i tell myself tat pain for 1 or 2mths, very fast de.. den u will be here to acc me for my lifetime.. till my deathbed.. and i tell myself.. if other ppl can do it.. means e pain cant really kills mi.. and den e thought disappears.. its juz tat it always come back time n again.. but i hope i will pull through.. i hope u know tat mi n ur daddy loves u more than ourselves..=) we awaits for ur arrival..

Jacqueline blogged at 10:17 PM

12:39am

baby,

mummy can feel ur kicking more obvious liaos.. and u've been kicking mi more frequently lers.. but think u dislike daddy lar.. cos daddy very very seldom can feel u.. i think he only can feel u 1 time.. bcos usually u kick mi when he's off to work or he slp liaos.. hohoho.. mummy's stomach getting bigger and bigger each day.. im nt feeling gd.. my stomach like wan to explode lidat.. feeling is damn weird..=( still dun look obvious tat im pregnant.. juz look liek ive grown fatter.. so sad.. i rather i look like a pregnant woman..=( these few days bery tired.. haf to stand whole day.. so shit! bless mummy wif lotsa sales oritex! den can buy tonics to eat! hehes..

Jacqueline blogged at 9:40 AM