02:57am

went to A.L Lim for checkup today.. ask him clearly what is epidural all about.. den he tell me he will pull out e epi when time's up.. so that i can feel the contraction and push the baby out.. so it means, i will definitely feel the pain.. i cried almost immediately.. den all da way back hm, i cried a few more times.. im so so scared.. was really bad mood for e day.. daddy tried to cheer mi up by making funny faces.. but it doesnt helps although i was smiling..=( he knows.. so he ask wad i wanna eat.. hahas.. he say anything also can..=x cos he thought food can make mi feel happier!! =x silly him! =( some evil thoughts came into my mind.. i had thoughts abt losing u.. i was secretly hoping that i would encounter a miscarriage.. i was secretly hoping that i could turn back time.. and don't want u.. i dun wan to think in this way de.. but i really very scared.. i know i very selfish.. but im juz scared.. bcos since young, ive nv wanted to give birth.. bcos im scared of e pain.. i dunno how to describe e kinda feeling tat i haf.. its not juz normal fear.. hais.. i could only pray.. pray hard that i will haf a smooth delivery.. i will ask for ur already passed away de grandpa.. to bless me.. i always ask for his help when i need something.. hahas.. i always feel tat ur grandpa is beside me.. looking after me..=) i hope when the day comes.. everything would be easy.. i realise.. life has been very very easy on me.. tat's y now im scared..=( im useless.. a very very useless mum u've got.. im so so sorry.. i let u down..

Jacqueline blogged at 12:02 PM